When I Think of Going Back to the Coast
My bellycave swells like the tides. That rootless drive
across the country, eating nothing but cheeseburgers,
my abdomen ossified with nerves and no’s and emergency
room visits. The nausea wasn’t the highway’s fault —
there was something much more ominous growing
inside me. While I’d been going about life, sharing meals
and conversation, I was pregnant. But didn’t know it yet.
When I did know it, I drove
straight to the red sand beach
and wondered how it was possible
for anyone to know
they didn’t want something
so fiercely
Motherhood isn’t something you decide on a whim.
I took it all in knowing I’d never come back here, the sea
spitting me out like a mama bird, feeds me
to the coastline. Shucks my womb
‘til it was pearlless. You don’t
go back to a place like that. You can’t ever go back.
one in three
she told me they had a funeral for whom they affectionately called pepper because it was the size of a peppercorn when they found out
when they found out
they weren’t ready
didn’t want it
they ended things early
before it grew into the size of a pea
mine was the size of a pea
or maybe even a hazelnut
but not round like a pea or a nut
everyone really needed me to know
it was just a clump of cells
because a clump
is not a baby girl
is not anything
and therefore does not need a name
does not need a funeral
does not even need grief
so where does this grief go
if I cannot crush this peppercorn
into fine powder
if I cannot forget the clump of cells
I cannot forget what she told me, so
I texted her later to say,
“my peppercorn was named Bergamot“
This is the first and only time
I will say her name out loud
“She had a name
She deserves whatever grief
you want to give her”
I repeat this now
to one in three.
Yoda Olinyk
Yoda Olinyk (she/they) loves to make people comfortable, which is too bad because they are a poet. Along with being a bleeding heart poet by night, they also work as an editor, abortion doula, and workshop guide. Their work has appeared in many beloved journals and they have two books out. You can find Yoda at www.doulaofwords.com
Header image: “Snake baby” by Sukanya Majumdar
Sukanya Majumdar
Being based in India, I have a keen interest in Vedic astrology and I am currently a professional astrology practitioner. Snakes (serpents) are mystical creatures that have a very healing property and they are also associated with secretive activities or secret wealth. With my Rahu placement in Ashlesha, I have had very intense experiences with respect to the social connections that I have attracted in my life and my experiences have been life-changing. There is some level of toxicity or venom associated with Ashlesha nakshatra, which have manifested very intensely and often, traumatized me as well as people around me. From my early teenage years, I have been obsessed with snakes, serpents and dragons and made numerous drawings of the same. The drawing "Serpentine feminine" and "Snake baby" also refer to the relationship I share with my mother as my Rahu is placed in Cancer sign in Ashlesha star, Cancer being the sign of the divine mother and we both carrying the energy of the divine feminine, yet being toxic or manipulative to each other in some way, and still being protective about each other.
